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2019 Power Rankings-Week 9
Introduction After eight and a half years, I thought we had seen it all. I thought we had reached the limits of what the ten-team standings could look like. But today we enter unknown territory and I am all for it. We have A SIX-TEAM TIE for third place, all at .500. The most teams at .500 through eight weeks prior to today were three, in 2015 and 2016. They were all tied for fourth. Not all 4-4 teams are alike. One is the league's top scorer (Butt), the other is the league's lowest scorer (Blow Me). But all of them are even, with a shot at the final four spots in the Festival of Champions. I felt at the start of the season that high-scoring teams were losing, while low-scoring teams were winning, and that a regression would balance out the standings by mid-season. And here we are. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. Ten Best Records Through 8 Games (LOC History) Last week I brought us the worst records through 7 games, but with Shotti extending to 7-1 I thought I'd compile the 10 best records. Please avert your eyes if you are a Shotti Bunch hater. When organized by 1.) record and then 2.) highest score, Shotti accounts for half of the ten best records through eight games in LOC history. Notably, he is the only team on this list with a team that scored as low as 1617, but that team is still 7-1. Team Records By Month Updated 11-1-19 It's that time again. We're through the second month of the LOC season, so let's evaluate everyone's October. Papa and Sweet Dee did not win at all in October, right on par with their usual performances. They remain the two worst October performers in the league. RIPDab had the second worst performance, going 1-3 after a 3-1 start to fall to .500 and dip further below .500 for October with a 17-23 record. Shotti went undefeated, which is also typical of TSB during October. He is batting a ridiculous .805. Amazingly, GBM went 3-1 in October which is tied with Duck Punchers for the second best record. This is much to do with his easy schedule, but still it does not feel like they went .750 so it's amazing, even to me. MMMS also went 3-1, while Pain Train, Paddock 9, and Bell all went 2-2. Series Recaps * GBM splits the season series and ties the franchise series with Sweet Dee (5-5). Next Matchup: N/A * Momma splits the season series and ties the franchise series against Paddock 9 (6-6). Next Matchup: '''N/A * Pain Train splits the season series and ties the franchise series against Papa's Posse (8-8). '''Next Matchup: N/A * The Stupid Idiots split the season series and take a commanding lead in the franchise series against RIPDab (4-1). Next Matchup: N/A * After winning with 210.35 against Shotti in 2018, Duck drops 210.97 in a loss here in 2019. They now trail in the franchise series (6-8). '''Next Matchup: '''N/A Best Record Through Three Seasons Bell can still finish 17-22 at best and 12-27 at worst. Monthly Meetings - Pain Train We've already seen monthly meetings for RIP, Shotti, Sweet Dee, Papa's Posse, The Duck Punchers, and Paddock 9. Here is this weeks chart showing which months Pain Train has played each team (minimum 3 seasons) in the LOC through the 2019 regular season: A pretty unremarkable slate, but Shotti vs. Pain Train 7 times in October is unusual. Stat Chat This week's stat chart is the Best Win/Loss Records Through 100 Combined Games. It is very timely, as we are about to induct our newest member into the 100-Game Club. Sweet Dee takes her spot among the legends of the game, albeit the one with the fewest wins through 100 games in LOC history. She will beat out Papa to secure that "record." But hey, both won a Glory Bowl in their first 100 games, so what can we really say? Maybe she can notch that 37th win this week and make it even tougher for Bell of Da Ball to top! Other stats of note: *Pain Train becomes the third team to reach 70 combined wins. *Bell of Da Ball has gone 28 weeks without back-to-back regular season wins. He is one short of the record (29), set by Papa's Posse from 2012-2014. I am terrified that they are going to fall short of the record by beating Paddock 9 this week. Help us, Paddock-nine-Kenobe, you're our only hope. *Sweet Dee moves up to 4th on the all-time list of most weeks spent in last place. A Special LXC Note 5-2 Papa's Posse broke the record for lowest scoring game in the LXC this week when they started a full roster of eligible players and only put up 78.39 points. Incredible performance from this first place team. Among their starters were McKissic (3.12), Frank Gore (5.17), Valdes-Scantling (1.60), and Greg Olsen (3.50). No starting player got injured, they all plaid the ENTIRE GAME! Bust Watch Kenyan Drake is outscoring Joe Mixon. I repeat: Kenyan Drake is outscoring Joe Mixon. Power Rankings 1(1). The Duck Punchers (6-2) Lost the game due to a Harrison Butker missed field goal on Sunday Night Football, one of the most grueosme ways to lose a game and it was such a high profile matchup, too. But fret not, due to the other matchup results they still have a two game lead on a bye spot and a favorable schedule to finish the season. I still believe this is one of the league's strongest rosters. 2(3). Bell of Da Ball (4-4) Bell has just the fourth team in LOC history to break 1900 points in eight weeks. They are threatening to win back-to-back games with a takedown of Paddock 9 this week. But the health of James Connor is of paramount concern and they are sneaky in a rough spot with their QBs this year. 3(4). The Shotti Bunch (7-1) Shotti becomes the first team in LOC history to sit atop the standings through eight weeks while failing to score at least 1700 points. This team is not good. You know it, I know it, he knows it. But we have yet to prove it. It's like how there is dark matter in the Universe that outweights visible matter 6 to 1 and has a strong gravitational pull on all known objects. But we can't see it and we can't identify it, we just know it's there because of it's invisible tug on celestial bodies. That's what Shotti's shittiness is. We know it's there, it's just somehow hidden from us. And that little factoid was mostly just to freak Pat out. 'Sup, Pat? Most of the mass in the universe is an undetectable phantom that courses through everything, tugging at planets and stars with it's mighty gravitational force. 4(5). Paddock 9 (4-4) Halloween month is over, which means in one week's time Pat's Pumpkin Brain swelling shoudl go down and he will once again be able to make only mild mistakes, as opposed to his October terrible mistakes. I wouldn't count on a stellar performance this week, but for the final four weeks I expect a run. 5(3). RIPDab (4-4) So many teams have been so noticably bad that RIPDab's death spiral has gone largely unnoticed (though undoubtably not by himself). It's hard to believe that GBM, who has struggled to break 190 for the past month, and ma ma momma said, who was in last place for three weeks this season, is tied with RIPDab for third place. It certainly feels not great for Dab, but they control their destiny with three of their next four against teams they are tied with. 6(9). Pain Train (4-4) Is it me or does every game Pain Train plays in feel like an AFC West matchup? Pain Train vs. Papa felt like Oakland vs. Los Angeles. Now we get Pain Train vs. Sweet Dee. CoOl! Oakland vs. Denver, even better. 7(8). Garoppoblow Me (4-4) I knew GBM was going to win in some sort of lucky fashion as soon as I texted someone to say "I can't believe Sweet Dee is going to have two wins and they're both against me." Anyway, I knew I needed to break my .500 pattern this week because I have already penciled in a 100+ point defeat against Duck Punchers this week. I'm not saying I'm not going to try, just that when I drafted this team I knew it would be hard to beat anybody week nine with: 1.) No Michael Thomas 2.) No Alvin Kamara 3.) No Todd Gurley 4.) Mark Ingram against New England 4.) Odell against the Broncos. Season starts back up in week 10 at 4-5, folks. 8(6). Sweet Dee (1-7) Welp, I'm done. Gotta bump them down to where they belong. When it's so bad that Garoppoblow Me is beating you, you know you're cooked. Dee came out swinging, averaging 228.52 over her first five games. But the last three weeks the team is averaging just 167.95 per game and they are already off to an awful start against Pain Train by benching Kenyan Drake. I really believed in this team and I do wholeheartedly believe that they could be 5-3 and fighting for a bye if the schedule had gone their way. But they're 1-7 and their team is getting worse and it's just over for the reigning champ. SAD. 9(7). Papa's Posse (2-5) This is a disaster. Papa now has their longest losing streak since 2013, when they lost seven straight. Matters came to a bald head this week when in a heated text he exclaimed "your friends must think I'm an idiot!" While Papa fights on, I think it is safe to say that the 2019 campaign is likely dead. 10(10). ma ma momma said (4-4) Let's all pump the breaks on "oh, here comes momma," "momma almost broke 300," "is momma back?" No, MOMMA IS NOT BACK. Momma left four years ago to go get milk at the corner store and she aint coming back. In fact, let's flash back to 2017. They had a four game win streak, and even beat the soon-to-be champion Shotti in the process. And what happened? They missed the playoffs when Commish crushed their hopes and dreams 228-202 in the season finale. What's their win streak this season? Oh, three puny games. Who do they face in the season finale? Commish. So let's see. I'm an LOC historian. I know how history likes to repeat itself. Let's see what history has to say about momma in five weeks. Matchup of the Week - The Sweet Taste of Victory and the Sour Pain Train of Dee-Feat. Welp, there are two teams who have not been featured in the Matchup of the Week and before long they are both going to be irrelevent so I need to fit this one in now. It's the Glory Bowl VIII rematch we have all been waiting for. Okay, it's the Glory Bowl VIII rematch we knew was happening at some point and were only mildly interested in. Not even? Wow, okay. It's a Glory Bowl VIII rematch featuring two of the league's shittiest teams. There ya go. in any case, this is Pain Train's chance to get some revenge for their GBVIII loss last season. A win against Sweet Dee effectively eliminates them from playoff contention. If Sweet Dee wants to stay alive, they will likely have to check their lineup at some point, which might be a tall task. At 1-7 the urge to ignore fantasy hits a fever pitch. It's bad vs. bad this week, and it's the matchup to watch! Another great week of action. Enjoy.